Have you ever lacked self confidence in the bedroom? Are you a lights off kinda girl (or guy!)? Or maybe you’re just unsure of yourself and lacking confidence through sex: are you doing it right? is it okay to want to try new things? The list can go on and on and trust me when I say, we’ve all been there.
Belah Rose, internationally acclaimed sexual intimacy expert, coach, author, speaker and founder of Delight Your Marriage is spilling some major tea for us over on the Get Your Marriage On Podcast. This is part of our Sexpert Interview series.
And did we mention that we’ve read her book “Delight Your Husband”? Her Christian background, optimism and enthusiasm really drew us in. She’s also created the Delight Your Husband Video Course, The Seduction Course™, The Delighted Wife Program™ and Masculinity Reclaimed Program™. Clearly, Belah is a busy lady!
Can you believe that at one time a sexual intimacy expert lacked self confidence in the bedroom? Believe it or not, it’s true. And Belah’s journey has led to self confidence in herself and her husband, a strong marriage and a sizzling sex life.
So the big question you all must be wondering is….how did she get there? And how do I?
Build Self Confidence In Yourself
Just like Aibleen Clark said in the movie “The Help” “You is kind, you is smart, you is important”. Sometimes when we’re lacking confidence, just repeating a simple phrase like this one can help boost your self confidence.
Belah spoke about a client that we nicknamed “Frank”. Frank’s wife had left him after their marriage developed so much rage and strife. Frank was angry, he felt disrespected and sex was not really happening in their marriage. Both Frank and his wife were fighting and angry about the way they received love. Frank decided to take Belah’s Masculinity Reclaimed Program. Through working on himself, Belah said “what he did was really learn what it is that she needs to feel love. She needs to be listened to. She needs to be known for who she is she needs to be cared about and thought about. And he needs to go through a process of apologizing for what he owns in the relationship.”
Belah then explains that by Frank working on himself, his own self confidence, and learning how to properly love his wife, he was able to attract his wife back! Now, his marriage is more intimate than ever, even after 20 years of marriage! Frank now says everyday is like magic.
Build Confidence In Your Spouse
Building self confidence in ourselves is important, but it’s also important to build self confidence in our partners. Belah explains, “the nature of a man is around meeting respect and needing admiration as a man”. Belah states, “The idea is you find out what your spouse loves and you give that to them. And when they feel filled up, it becomes easy to translate into how you feel filled up.”
Belah goes on to discuss the perfect analogy using cake and cookies. Say you really LOVE cake, but your spouse really LOVES cookies. Belah explains that you’re not going to give your spouse cake for their birthday, you give them cookies! So by learning our spouse’s “love language” , per say, will help encourage them in turn to learn ours. So say for instance, that your spouse loves to cuddle after sex. By learning the way they love and grow confidence, you’re going to know that by giving them the cookies – or cuddles – that they need, you are speaking their “love language”.
Self Confidence In The Bedroom
While there is no magic button to switch on for self confidence and amazing sex, Belah does leave us with a pretty good formula to developing self confidence in the bedroom.
Have a Mindset That Your Spouse Is Insecure
Just to be clear, this isn’t about being cruel. It’s about being compassionate and positive. Wouldn’t you much rather be in a relationship with someone that makes you comfortable, especially around your own insecurities? Keep this mindset and work at building them up! Every single one of us has our own securities – but normally men and women’s are very different.
Women often have insecurities around sex such as the following:are often insecure about their body. Is it good enough? Is my stomach flat enough? Can he see my cellulite? Why do I have cellulite? How do I get rid of this cellulite? I mean, the list can go on and on of things we’re thinking about while having sex. “Oh can’t do that position because he’ll see how big my thighs look.” Women are more worried about how they appear physically to their spouse.
Belah states, [the wife] “is maybe insecure about if this activity is sinful or wrong and another one is, does he think the position or the activity or whatever the look of what’s going on is gross to him. And these are things that he probably immediately, as I say them are like no way a man he’s like, I love the visuals. I love what she’s doing. It’s amazing to me. But the thing is, as a man, you can help her feel more confident and more secure by being very vocal about what you like and all the positives.”
Women want to hear compliments on their body or how good they’re making you feel. If you know your wife is insecure about a certain part of her body and she’s hiding under the sheets but she’s giving you the best pleasure underneath those sheets, then realize that she’s putting herself out there for you. Tell her what she’s doing feels amazing or that her butt looks fabulous. “Those are the kinds of comments that will slowly help her to open up more and help her, you know, think the long game, once again, you’re going to share the good, you’re not going to share the critical. You’re not going to say, I wish if you could only just do X, Y, and Z, that’s going to make her be like, well, nevermind, you’re never satisfied. You don’t like what I do.” Share what you like and watch her confidence grow!
Belah also talks about the importance of only acknowledging the good. “Those are the kinds of comments that will slowly help her to open up more and help her, you know, think the long game, once again, you’re going to share the good, you’re not going to share the critical.”
As for men, Belah explains, are often insecure around sex too. Here are some of the most common insecurities men deal with:
- If he pleases his wife
- If he will be rejected for suggesting something new
- If he’s big enough
- Or just rejected for wanting sex in general?
Men want to hear that they’re pleasing you in bed. Did he touch you in the perfect spot? Something feel amazing? Then tell him!
Men also want to feel confident enough with you to mention trying certain things. Maybe he wants to try a new position. By building his confidence in the bedroom he will feel like he’s able to mention his wants and desires. This could even open up a whole new world for both of you! But what about when he mentions trying something you’re not interested in? Belah divulges that it’s important to be open and honest with each other but never critical. Let him down easy but also build him up. A comment like “This feels too good to stop” or “I’m not ready for X but how about Y?” can go a long ways!
Belah says, “So as a woman, she can really help him by making it clear that she loves his member (penis), that she loves what they’re doing together. That, he is good enough in bed that he does please her. And again, it’s just consistently encouraging the good. So if he touches her a certain way, say that she loves him touching her, her body in certain ways, moving his hands, but always being positive about what he’s doing is always going to make it better.”
If you’re one of those who may be too shy to mention trying new things in the bedroom, but it’s a huge desire of yours, then maybe you should try out our app – Intimately Us. It’s a fun and sexy app just for you and your spouse! It’s full of sexy games, informative articles and interesting ways to get to know your spouses desires, inside and out. You can download Intimately Us HERE or in the app store by searching “Intimately Us”.
Giving each other compliments in (and out!) of the bedroom will only continue to build self confidence, which can therefore lead to more sexual freedom and confidence in the bedroom.
Confidence In Your Marriage
When you feel good about yourself, it’s easier to give the love your partner desires while also accepting the love you know you deserve.
Belah states, “So one thing that I think is, so so important is that confidence in the bedroom is confidence outside of the bedroom and vice versa.”
When we have confidence in ourselves, confidence in our spouses and confidence in the bedroom, all of these things build up and lead to confidence in our marriage.
And it’s not ALL about sex. Belah explains, “I’ve worked with people who’ve been married just a couple of years, to 45, 55 years. And it’s really sad when I see people who have been chasing sex, their whole lives and my encouragement is to decide a season, you’re going to spend three months really pursuing a healthy sex life. You’re going to pursue how to love your spouse. Well, you’re going to pursue getting super strategic. You’re going to pursue, you know, fully forgiving your spouse for the past. So you can move into being completely motivated to serve and love them.”
Confidence in the bedroom starts with each of us individually. Belah talks about taking a deep look into ourselves. It’s important to figure out exactly where you are in your marriage as well as your emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy. Be honest with yourself. Where do you want your marriage, yourself or your sex life to be in a given months time?
A great marriage and a great sex life starts with the desire to have just that!
Learn more about Belah and transforming your own marriage to contain peace, playfulness and sexual freedom at Delight Your Marriage. You can also learn more about her book, “Delight Your Husband”, The Delight Your Husband Video Course, The Seduction Course™, The Delighted Wife Program™ and Masculinity Reclaimed Program™ on her website.
Watch Our Interview with Belah Rose —> HERE
Listen To Our Podcast:
Have you checked out our app yet? Intimately Us is a fun and sexy app just for your marriage! Download HERE or by search “Intimately Us” in the App Store or on Google Play.