Video: Spice It Up Without The Yuck!

September 25, 2020

In this 35 minute presentation, learn why focusing on deeper intimacy always leads to long-term sexual fulfillment in marriage. Dan also shares three practical suggestions on how to keep the sexual relationship vital over the long haul.

The main message of the presentation is that sex is like a beautiful symbol of two people becoming one — one in mind, heart, spirit, and body. In order to become one, this requires a deep intimacy — being willing to be seen (exposed!) at a deep and fundamental level, and accepting and seeing your spouse too.

The reality is it’s sometimes it’s not comfortable to be seen or known up close like that! In a way, “intimacy” (exposure) is more like something you learn to tolerate in marriage.

The good news is that the more we live a life of integrity (and by that I mean consistently living in line with our core beliefs and values) the better we get at tolerating that exposure and move into deeper intimacy. We also develop the capacity for deeper intimacy in marriage by “growing up”, getting better at seeking validation from within ourselves and from God, rather than seeking it externally.

God is of course very smart, and has designed sex as a place of maximum exposure for the couple. It’s funny how on one hand, we’re attracted and drawn together, yet getting close to another person like that can make us anxious at the same time 🙂 

We communicate so many things through sex. It’s like it’s own language. It’s impossible to hide our anxieties, our frustrations, our love, our attentiveness and attunement towards each other, or even disregard for each other, and a gazillion other things in the way we engage (or avoid!) sex. 

So, if you want to have a hotter, more passionate, and spicier sex life for the long haul, here are three tips!

1. Start With Self. Learn to like yourself for who you are. This is like being comfortable in your own skin. Understand how fundamentally valuable you are in God’s eyes.  See yourself as a sexual being, and all the goodness that can bring into your life. Accept your own flaws with grace and kindness. This leads to less dependence on your own value by what you think others think of you (which leaves you off balance). Self-validation / liking yourself for who you are also leads you to being able to manage your own anxieties yourself rather than pushing them on to other people or retreating from them. 
In short, developing a strong character and living a life of integrity is really sexy! 

2. Emotional Connection. Learn to be more connected with your spouse at an emotional level. The more connected you are emotionally, and the more safety there is in the relationship, the stronger the bond. It’s really sexy to be with someone you know understands you and genuinely cares for you!

A great way to begin to strengthen the bond is through conversation, going on dates, and tackling a project together. Getting on the same page with parenting, finances, etc. is also about strengthening the emotional bond, and there’s a great deal of research that backs this up. Prioritize each other, get good at talking & communicating your feelings and relate well with each other, because that leads to really great sex!

Speaking of which, there’s a “me” and a “you”, but when you’re emotionally connected it creates space for a “we” or “us”. When it comes to sex, it’s not a “me” or a “you” activity, but a “we / us”. We create a sex life that nourishes for both (not just one or the other).

3. Explore & Try New Things. Be willing to step outside of your comfort zone from time to time. God made us sexual beings with wonderful & beautiful erotic feelings for a wise purpose. The erotic is beautiful and a strong force that draws husband and wife together. There’s a lot of freedom to explore and cultivate the erotic in us (with mutual, enthusiastic consent, of course!). 

Couples that get in a rut sexually are often just exposing only a part of them (the part they’re comfortable to allow being known). If intimacy is about exposing all of us, and knowing and being known fully by each other, that often means trying new things together! The trust and fun to be shared in the erotic realm is really sexy and is a great way to spice things up! And extremely bonding too! Some ideas shared in this presentation include coming up with a “Sexy Bucket List” together, adopting a sexy persona version of yourself for a time, learn how to talk about sexual likes and dislikes more comfortably, play a bedroom game, etc.

I hope you enjoy this presentation!

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